Out & About

Things Your Bartender Never Wants To Hear

After six years of professional booze slinging, at everywhere from steak houses to cocktail bars, I learned something about a night out. No matter where you are, you are completely at the whim of the staff that serve you. They control the warmth of your reception, the quality of your drinks, and the money shaped hole in your wallet when it’s all over.

Not to mention, they are right in security’s ear at all times. (Literally, many are wearing radios).  So apart from the general good human quality of not being a tosser, here are 10 phrases to never utter to your bartender to make sure you stay on their good side.

“Do you do free birthday drinks?”

Of course we do birthday drinks. You haven’t seen a birthday drink until you’ve seen one of our birthday drinks. When I come back, I will be holding a carved-out pineapple that it literally on fire and the paper umbrella will remain mysteriously un-singed. Unfortunately, the price of the audacity to ask for a free drink is $22.

“Can you send a drink to that girl over there and tell her it’s from me?”

Before you request this, I suggest taking a good, long, hard look at your watch, and asking yourself what year it is.

“I’m so drunk.”

I was just beginning to like you. Please don’t jeopardise my integrity like this.

“Can I check my phone that you put on charge? Can I check it again? What’s my percentage? Can you tell it I miss him?”

Once you surrender your phone for charging, take a deep breath and dive into your temporary disconnect experience. It’s going to be okay.

“Are these the only beers you have on tap?”

Actually, there is a secret beer tap that we hide behind the wall just for shrewd, inquisitive patrons such as yourself. Turn away for just a moment while I move this strategically placed book to uncover that Hahn super Dry you were looking for.

“What is your cheapest drink?”

Water.

“So is this your real job?”

No, this is my imaginary job. I would just do this but it’s hard to sustain a decent lifestyle with monopoly money.

“Can I please split the bill ten ways?

You seem like a lovely, fair, diplomatic person. But if not one of your friends is willing to pay for your soda water, it’s time for some reflection.

“Are you guys closed?”

What gave us away? The fact that the lights were turned off, or that you climbed a fence to get in?

“What’s your favourite drink?”

Well, mine is a bottle of dark rum and maybe an ice cube, but we’re not here to talk about me, I’m here for you.

Image source: Touchstone Pictures, Time Out

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Michelle is a self-described epicure who loves depriving herself of sleep and then complaining about it. When she’s not writing, acting, or biting off more than she can chew, you can find her at The Lobo Plantation holding a rum old-fashioned.

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