The global holiday focused on mass consumerism is right around the corner and.. oh, apologies, we meant Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day is nearly upon us again, like a bad rash you can’t get rid of. Some of you may be looking forward to revelling in the one-day offer of heightened attention. However, the rest of us are looking for anything to make the day end in a timely fashion. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Ahead is a list of god-awful, lovey-dovey movies (available on Netflix) for you to take the piss out of. Go forth and enjoy.
#1 Date With Love
Holy Dooley this movie is hectically awful. Basically this small town boy (living in a lonely world) sends out this ‘promposal’ video to this famous woman who’s an actor, but can’t act. Why are promposals a thing anyway? Back in our day, we used the English language and formulated a sentence, but anyway, enough with the digression. This movie has the typical boy-girl friendship that fluctuates between ‘it would be so weird if they banged’ to ‘I kinda want them to do the nasty’. Long story short, this second rate celeb catches feels for the lonely boy’s teacher (scandalous), much to the joy of the girl who’s been friend zoned. Gin and Tonics are necessary (but without the tonic.)
#2 Love By Chance
The movie opens with a mandatory shot of Claire’s work as a pastry chef, because context. Hell yeah, she’s just doing her thing, being an independent woman who don’t need no man, but oh, spoke too soon. Cue the overbearing mother, who believes her daughter must have a man to feel fulfilled. Why she’s wanting to concern herself with her precious child being laid on the daily is beyond me. Claire ends up meeting a hottie and believes that fate (screams internally) brought them together. But lo and behold, she finds out that her mother set her and hottie up, drama ensues.
#3 Just The Way You Are
The mumma from Full House stars in this one, with her large smile and saccharine attitude. It’s starting to become apparent that her bubbliness isn’t her acting. She’s just an all-American soccer mum through and through. In this movie, Jennie (soccer mum) is a match maker who (gasps) manages to lose the fire in her own marriage. Seriously though, who wouldn’t lose the spark when you’re focused on every other relationship but your own? But hey, a cat followed me home last week, so what do I know? Jennie ends up insisting that her hubby go on a blind date with her, in order to keep the feels from shrivelling up like a sultana. They have the chance to fall in love again.
#4 Harvest Moon
Typical, prissy, city girl, Jen, goes bush when mummy and daddy run out of money. She immerses herself in some hard yakka at a pumpkin farm that her rents bought as an investment, back when they had a solid cash flow. Who knows why they’re investing in a pumpkin farm, of all things but, here we are writing about it. Hot farmer boy, Brett, doesn’t like the changes she wants to make to the property, and cue the frustration induced tension of the sexual nature. Of course, the opposites attract approach, classic. Watch this bad boy with your cat and a glass of wine in hand.
#5 Autumn Dreams
So, this couple got married when they were teenagers, because they were in love and meant to B 2getha 4 eva. Like most teen relationships, they broke up with a nifty little annulment to go with the heartache and angst. Like any great (or terrible) movie there’s a plot twist that you don’t see (or totally predict) coming. The exes discover that there’s a mistake in the annulment paperwork and they’re still married. If there’s one thing we know for sure, it’s that someone’s getting fired.
Image source: New Line Cinema