It is a rare day that passes that I don’t suddenly feel an overwhelming sense of dread. For a plethora of reasons, I’ll find myself suddenly paranoid that everything in my life that could go wrong, has or will go wrong. Most of these concerns are totally unreasonable and out of any realm of possibility. But that doesn’t stop me from fearing the shit out of them.
Consider this the first meeting of the Paranoid Madam’s Support group (or PMS, for short). So if you relate to being a Paranoid Penny, or a Concerned Caity, then gurl, I feel you. Living that unnecessarily paranoid life is hard on the nerves.
#1 The “Pregnancy Scare” Scare.
Ever been going about your day, living your life, when all of a sudden you realise it’s 3pm on the second Tuesday of the month and your period hasn’t arrived? Cue the spiral into pregnancy paranoia. I’m talking checking your bank account to see if you have the savings to support a sprog. Making a beeline for Priceline to get a test. Googling the average cost of one Australian child from birth to their 18th birthday (roughly $300,000 just FYI). This is honestly me every single month, frequency of sexual activity irrelevant.
#2 Totally Irrational Health Concerns
So you decided to treat yourself to Italian takeaway for dinner. Heavy on the cheese and garlic bread. Maybe you chose to pop one more Tim Tam than usual. These are totally acceptable #TreatYoSelf moments and nothing to be ashamed of. But then the paranoia sets in as you’re lying back on the lounge, nursing your food baby, and you get a random heart pain. Or maybe your leg just twinged in a funny way. The only possible explanation is diabetes. And you’re definitely going to get gout and die. RIP.
#3 I Haven’t Used My Curler In Months But It’s Definitely Still On
Now I honestly couldn’t tell you the last time I heat-styled my hair. And yet I regularly stress that the curling iron that has been sitting cold and dormant in a drawer for months has managed to find itself plugged in, turned on and burning down the house as we speak.
In reality, the closest thing I get to heat-styling is blowdrying my hair at 2am because I decided to have a nocturnal shower. But that comes with a whole other range of anxieties. Will my wet hair drip into the dryer and electrocute me to death? Probably not. But also it definitely will.
#4 The Risk Of Being Over Or Under Dressed
I will go to my own goddamn funeral and my immortal soul will worry that the undertaker dressed me in something too fancy. I could have spent approximately 2-3 hours cross-checking my outfit with a whole girl gang of trusted mates. I’ll have sent a carrier pigeon holding a Polaroid of my outfit to the event planner so they can approve that I’ve found the right vibe. But you can bet your arse that as I’m pulling up to wherever I’m going, I will start to stress that I am inappropriately dressed.
#5 Everything On My Body Will Kill Me
I have honestly gotten out of a very hot shower, been covered in red heat splotches, and then inspected them in case they’re a dangerous rash that is out to get me. A strange lump somewhere on my body? Definitely cancer. Where did this bruise come from? Idk probably a burst vein and now I’m full of internal bleeding. I challenge you to find someone who is more aware/anxious/concerned about the ability for their own body to betray them. It’s a real problem, you guys.
Image Source: Disney Channel, GIPHY