Love going to the cinemas? Want everyone to hate your guts because you have zero movie etiquette and absolutely no regard for other’s experiences? Well then, this is the article for you!
When watching the new Joker movie recently, I had the incredibly dreadful and infuriating experience of having a group of 30-something year old lawyers (who I won’t name because suing is a thing) absolutely having the time of their lives in the row of seats in front of me. Never mind that they were blocking my view, distracting me from the movie, obscuring my screen with smoke from their vape and yelling so loud that I couldn’t hear the audio – at least they were having fun, right?!
If you too, aspire to be the greatest nuisance at the movies that inspires rage in the hearts of all that encounter you, then I have just the guidance you need! Stay tuned for all the ways you can piss off people at the cinemas, and potentially have a cool and refreshing drink thrown at you!
#1 Come To The Movies Absolutely Wasted
Oh yes guys, this is the best starting point to ruining everyone else’s cinema experience – get fucking smashed. You know, the level of munted where you keep tripping while walking up the stairs and into your seat, and then swear super loudly at everyone because of your own incompetence. Bonus points if you also start screaming and laughing drunkenly mid-movie, and even better if you then shout your prestigious workplace that I can’t name because I want to avoid legal trouble.
#2 Take Flash Selfies Even Though The Movie Is About To Start
Definitely take a selfie using flash with all your coworkers while screaming the name of your (again, unnameable) workplace so that everyone can hopefully call in and leave complaints about you. Make several attempts even, so that despite the fact that the lights are turning off and the movie is about to start, your drunken and slurred voice echoes along the chambers like an ogre roaring angrily in his cave.
#3 Have A Very Loud And Laughter-Filled Conversation In The Middle Of The Serious Scene
Want to make a hilarious and insightful comment to your mate at the movies? The most serious scenes of a psychological thriller about the struggle of disability and poverty is the perfect time! That way, everyone will hear you over the tense quiet, and you’ll get way more exposure for your joke! And on top of that, it’ll ruin everyone’s experience and they’ll have no choice but to pay attention to you!
#4 Run Up And Down The Front Section Near The Screen
This is an advanced move, so only use this one if you’re serious about wrecking the entire movie and potentially being politely scolded by cinema staff who are too scared to kick you out because of your prestigious workplace and intimidating drunken state. Basically, what you have to do is run from one end to the other, presumably to relay messages and popcorn between your fellow mates who are on opposite ends of the row. Bonus points if you a) block the screen with your body or b) drunkenly trip and create a loud bang when your knees hit the floor
#5 Start Vaping In The Middle Of The Movie
Vaping is some master level cinema disturbance. It seems passive and harmless, but the smoke actually obscures the screen for the people behind you, and the smell can be very distracting when you are supposed to be watching a child get inhumanely abused on screen as part of the main character’s tragic and telling backstory. If you can successfully obscure the main plot reveal, then you have indeed won and now everyone fucking hates your guts. Congrats, I’ve called the manager now.
And there you have it guys – your boss level guide to disrupting the movies and making everyone furious and miserable to the point of fantasising about your mutilation. Have fun!