If I can impart any wisdom from my dating life, it would be this – no matter how things go, they will always make good stories. I wouldn’t say these are men-related stories to tell the grandkids (take note Ted Mosby), but definitely ones to be drunkenly spilled like gossips at a wine & cheese night.
I’d like to begin by saying there are A LOT more fish in the sea than those presented below, as well as dolphins and mountain lions and polar bears, so don’t limit yourself to sea monsters when there is a wild world out there to explore.
In the wise words of a someone once a upon a time, “let your freak flaps fly” and discover for yourself the different varieties of those perplexing creatures called men.
The Emotionally Illiterate
He isn’t technically emotionally unavailable, he just doesn’t understand the basics of a D&M. He’ll pay for dinners, he’ll take you out where you want to go, he’ll cuddle you to keep you warm due to his tendency to be a furnace. But he never actually tells you how he feels, no matter how much you imply, prompt or simply ask directly. Except that one time when he was drunk & he confessed his love for you… and whiskey…and burritos…
These type of men need a neon sign saying “approach with care” because you may find yourself emotionally attached to the illusion of a perfect man, who just so happens to come with baggage & the inability to commit. People who love you in a healthy way will make sure they’re meeting your needs as much as they can, so if he ignores your questions and always sidetracks the conversation when it becomes too touchy feely, it’s time to reflect on whether the emotional ambiguity is worth the multiple orgasms.
The boy you meet when you don’t want anything serious. Simple sex. Hot & hard. Oh the irony when he tells you he’s devoutly Catholic and a virgin.
Being someone else’s first love is difficult when they’re not yours, they reflect the same adoring puppy dog eyes and tendency to put you on a pedestal that you did with your first love. This type of adoration reveals an entire new perspective on how you can be treated by your partner, someone who works tirelessly to make you happy and isn’t afraid to do cheesy things to make you smile. Don’t take advantage of the power of having a man (or men) love you more than you love them, or broken hearts are inevitable.
The first man you date that is younger than you, maybe only by a few years but it can sometimes feel like generations. They tend to only be able to afford goon, go out to places you haven’t been to since your first year at uni and say yeet a lot. This one reminds you what it was like before you became a home-body, who lives in a dressing gown and thinks watching Netflix documentaries and ordering Uber Eats makes for a wild Wednesday night. Sure, they have potential, but is he a worthwhile investment more so than yourself?
The big kahuna. Has a Wikipedia page. Earns more money in a minute than you currently have in your bank account. Takes you to pretentious restaurants and tips the staff more than your rent for the week. Not at all the saintly father figure. Introduces you to a life of luxury but reminds you how empty materialism can feel. These men test your morals; how can you walk past a homeless person knowing you’re with someone who has the capacity to change another person’s life but not feeling inclined to lift a finger for them?
Married With A Missus
The most controversial type. You tell yourself it’s fine to date a married man, because if they don’t date you, it’ll be another woman. Approach with a whole lot of caution, because while there may be a sense of intrigue, home-wrecking territory is a dangerous area.
Image Sources: Buena Vista Pictures, Paramount Pictures, HBO