A tribe of B-grade celebs have descended into paradise. They’re obnoxiously out-spoken and shamelessly horny. They’re also lacking just the right amount of fucks given to serve us a steady flow of brain-numbing reality television that will, no doubt, have us all feeding our addictions like the bunch of drama junkies that we are.
I mean, do I have more pressing things to tend to at 7pm in the evening? Probably. Am I going to refuse all other commitments in favour of the thick-skulled performance of 14 over-hyped, super keen, limelight-loving ex-Bachie contestants?
Heck yeah I am. No shame.
So now that we’ve entered the zoo that is Bachie in Paradise, we have to know who we’re dealing with. Around 90 mins of good-qual TV was just about all we needed (or could stomach) to form our judgements and the verdict is in — they’re a beautiful collection of, let’s just say, diverse personalities.
Aside from counting down the nights ’til the first major biff goes down, I’m strapping myself in for what is promising to be a wild ride. (P.S. my bet’s on a Shaz and Cat biffo — you heard it here first).
Here’s a li’l examination of the best, most thrilling exhibits.
Alex B
AKA Russian Dude Who Lap Danced On A Grandma. Need I say more? He’s the ex-Bachie contestant from the States, which seems like a rather desperate decision on behalf of Ten. I mean, are we really lacking Aussie B-grade celebs? Because I beg to freakin’ differ.
Anyway, Alex B entered the zoo and the tribe were dumbfounded by his hybrid accent — understandably, he’s got a hint of mystery to him. He also failed miserably at his initial greetings, opting for more of a… body press(?) over the standard kiss and cuddle. OK, Russian hybrid, you do you.
Bill
Let’s be honest, Ten have done a dirty side-deal with Colgate and Bill’s their disguised promo boy. This dude smiles so often and so large, I think it gets in the way of his words. I dig it, though — what a heart-warming ray of sunshine we have here. Bill was second to the scene, shortly after Shaz rocked up. He seems like the type of genuine dude you’d want to take home to the ‘rents, but I reckon there’s more there than meets the eye.
There’s probs something hiding behind those pearly whites. And the tongue flicking is a distracting, possibly even intentional habit — Rachael knows it, too.
James
Forgive me, please, because I honestly have no clue who James is. Is he a middle-aged contestant from Season 3 of MasterChef? The average Jo could easily mistake this matured ol’ boy for anyone but an eligible bachelor. Granted, he’s 33 and one of the elders of the tribe but despite the few grey hairs, he seems to have jumped on board Shaz’s love train quick smart.
He was raving about his snorkelling kit which Shaz seemed all but thrilled about. Stay tuned, people, James is looking to settle down and it looks like Shaz is the first taker. Batter up.
Cat
Cat was wearing a leopard print slip which was super appropriate. I feel like she screams ‘impending cat-fight’ and as I said, the biffo between her and Shaz is literally days away. Will Cat’s ferocious heart be tamed by one of our good-lookin’ bachies? Only time will tell… In the meantime, cat fights galore.
Paddy
Much like James, I don’t recognise Paddy. Paddy looks like he grew up in a tired old town in Northern England and I feel personally cheated that he doesn’t have the accent to match. Whatta chav. Anyway, the two piece Hawaiian set was a dead giveaway — he is, in fact, totally Australian and totally lacking any sense of colour coordination. Despite the wardrobe malfunction, which I’m sure was intentional, he is a darn party boy who’s lookin’ to slay some chickie babes. Paddy seems like the type of guy that’s all for the lads.
Rachael
Rachael doesn’t walk, she glides. Upon her entrance, every eligible bachie in sight dropped to his knees, drooling, head over heals. Rachel claims she’s anti-drama, which is a welcomed relief — we’ll believe it when we see it, though.
Colgate promo boy Bill has his sights set on Rachael… and so too does every other walking, talking creature on the island.
Image Source: Ten.
