Look, I know some of you are dying to get freaky (literally, imagine trying to fuck strangers during a global pandemic), but most of you are at home trying to remember the last time you were this horny.
Well fear not friends, I come with a solution – just read a bunch of hilariously awkward sex stories on Twitter that’ll make you glad you haven’t seen another person in weeks.
It all started with this tweet… and then the greatest and most awful Twitter thread ever was born.
Please tell me your embarrassing sex stories so i feel better. I just thought about the time a few years ago when a guy went down on me and we made eye contact and I waved for some reason
— Erica (@eerrriiicaa) March 10, 2020
Here are my absolute faves.
OH NO, OH NO, OH NOOOOOO
Grabbed hand sanitizer instead of lube and generously applied it in the dark
— Rhy (@Rhymanimal) March 11, 2020
I went down on a girl and I thought her “hair down there” was shaved in almost a Hitler mustache, I may or may not have been inebriated and drunk jokingly said “hail Hitler” turns out she was Jewish….
— Jack (@arity2020) March 10, 2020
One time I tapped the tip like it was a microphone, said “is this thing on?” Like mike wazowskie in monsters inc, and then as I explained the reference he went flaccid
— （’∽’) ❀ Sister Aubrey (@lentilfriend) March 11, 2020
Uhhhhh was on the roof and he went down on me and I made move that dead ass pushed him off the roof, like, I saw the look in his eyes when he went over the edge Lmaaaooo it was like mufasa and for a split second I thought I had killed him 😭😭 he ONLY broke his ankle. Oops.
— incredibly fitting ☭ (@Thetaelizabeth) March 11, 2020
I was being touched in a romantic bath with candles and I leaned my head too far back and caught my hair on fire and it took me longer than I’d like to admit that the solution was to just sunk my head in the bathtub
— stv🕊🌹🤍 (@ohhoneysenpai) March 11, 2020
Btw this started because as she climbed on I said, “well, well, well, look who’s back”
— Matthew B Gillen (@gillen_matthew) March 11, 2020
One time I was having sex in a Denny’s parking lot and someone called the cops on us and the dude I was fucking got ARRESTED bc he had a bunch of warrants out for him and I had to beg for a ride from the police officer since my ride was just escorted to jail.
— hannahnoelle (@n_nanner) March 11, 2020
I Hate These Awkward Sex Stories But I Also Can’t Stop Reading Them
A fella I was riding said ‘Who is your daddy?’ And I said my Dad’s name ‘Eamonn’
— Fiona O’Brien (@RealFionaO) March 11, 2020
STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP I CAN NOT DIE THIS YOUNG
— Ramona Serafina 🌹Asheville🌹 (@Ramona_Serafina) March 13, 2020
One time I️ was rly drunk and hooking up with this guy and he went to fck and I’m like wait I️ have a tampon in, & he goes “nah I️ took it out😏,” (so smooth like that) I️ was shooooook!! I’m like where … did u put it….. And then I️ saw it chilling on the floor. 🥴🥴
— earthy leo (@exltdm00n) March 11, 2020
This one time shawty and I made eye contact and she said “tf you looking at ? “ and I just closed my eyes
— Waytononormal6 (@EmanTrebor) March 11, 2020
— deåd Space (@Jesusdelreyy) March 11, 2020
One guy asked me how I felt during it and I said “Very nice” in a borat voice 😔 ive never even seen borat
— Kaycee™️ (@kayceegilcrease) March 11, 2020
this one is underrated because it’s too real
— daddy doofy (@kpcantweet) March 11, 2020
I hooked up with my ex fling’s roommate and in the middle of it, my guy goes “you know, it’s nice hearing these sounds coming from you from my side of the wall instead of his” 🥴
— meemz (@mimixtran) March 11, 2020
SO, SO AWKWARD
I went to this guy’s house to hook up that I recognized, so as we were walking to his room I mentioned that I’d been here before with his roommate. His jaw dropped and his eyes got real big; I didn’t go there with his roommate, I went there with his boyfriend😬
— Z (@zachhh_17) March 11, 2020
when i lost my virginity he didn’t even get it in me, he was having sex with my bed and didn’t even realize it, i wasn’t turned on, but i liked him so i let him continue having sex with my bed and never told him
— ••• (@maleahisabela) March 11, 2020
A guy I had a one night stand with thought that blowing hard into my mouth was sexy. All it did was hurt my ears and make my eyes water. He also kept licking my front two teeth
— ludacris malfoy (@poormanskesha) March 11, 2020
guy took his pants off and I said oh you’re not circumcised and he said yes I am
— lauren (@evilclamchowder) March 11, 2020
Okay But This Next One Is Lowkey Cute Though…
One time a guy was going down on me and came up, looked me directly in the eye and said while doing this gesture:
“compliments to the chef” pic.twitter.com/Vr8yGG9iwr
— Josie (@josie_gibsons) March 10, 2020
worked at a cinema & could take home bags of leftover popcorn. hooked up with this girl and knocked a full bag off my side shelf & onto her back. i couldn’t stop laughing, we cleaned up as much as we could & started again. 20 sec in & i catch her just lowkey snacking on popcorn
— Atlantique stan account (@mattbzc) March 11, 2020
dude was hittin it from behind and then stopped, got up, used his inhaler, then went right back to it like nothing happened
— chloe 🐝 (@chloerhause) March 11, 2020
And The Best One Goes To:
One of the first times I had sex the guy asked me to arch my back and I did it the wrong direction 😭 I still have flashbacks
— bells (@arabella_patten) March 11, 2020
Image Sources: Twitter