Christmas and birthdays are a fun time until you’re unwrapping a gift in front of a crowd of onlookers pretending not to be an ungrateful little brat. How do you conceal your horror as you tear away at layers of shoddy wrapping paper, only to find a hot pink bikini that’s two sizes too big from none other than… your uncle?
How do you exchange thank you’s when you’re frantically trying to understand why in God’s name they’d given you this questionable and useless gift in the first place? TBH, I’m not really sure. The good news though? We’re not alone. Here is a collection of awkward gift-opening experiences we’re praising sweet baby Jesus aren’t from our own memory banks. Ahhh, laughing at others’ misfortunes is like a sip of warm, esteem-boosting, sugary goodness.
Ok late-night twitter, what’s the weirdest gift you’ve ever gotten? Mine was a hot pink size 20 bikini when I was 15, 5’2 and probably 90 pounds. From my uncle.
— Jill Filipovic (@JillFilipovic) March 28, 2019
Our bet is after this one, this tutoring sitch is done and dusted…
At 19, a silk Victoria’s Secret nightshirt from the dad of an 8th-grade boy I was tutoring. Handed me the pink striped bag like it was the most normal thing in the world, and said the son + him picked it out together 😳
Most families gave a Barnes+ Noble gc or cookies 🍪
— Natalia Mehlman Petrzela, Ph.D. (@nataliapetrzela) March 28, 2019
Ahhh, the gift of self pleasure.
A vibrator. Freshman year in college, from the nice guys downstairs. I thought it was hilarious. Took me a couple decades to figure out that they must have, let’s say, really liked me.
— Kath Barnes (@KathBarnes86) March 28, 2019
Want to send a subtle message? Gift an aphrodisiac.
50 oysters. Shipped on dry ice to my studio apt, for my birthday, from my boyfriend. Dirty, sandy, & unshucked. I had to wash them in the bathtub, then get ice & a huge container, and SHUCK as many as we could eat with a shitty dully knife. Stabbed myself. Worst present ever.
— Jess Dillman (@jdillman) March 28, 2019
Denim’s the new silk, obvs.
This was thankfully not given to me, but a girl I know had a weird customer who was infatuated with her & made her a custom denim thong.
— B. (@lehoneychild) March 28, 2019
Because there’s nothing more necessary than shitting in style, right?
A terry cloth toilet seat cover shaped like a duck, complete with head, tail, and wings. From a boyfriend’s mom.
— MomofMany (@ErinLacey1) March 28, 2019
The gift of remorse. Totally logical.
A single shoe [high-heeled] from a drunk neighbor to apologize for barfing on my porch.
— Bridgit S Fara (@BridgitSFara44) March 28, 2019
You can now continue your existence a little more comfortably knowing that your gift opening experiences aren’t nearly as suss as these. You’re welcome, carry on.
Image Source: Giphy, @JillFilipovic, @nataliapetrzela, @KathBarnes86, @jdillman, @lehoneychild, @ErinLacey1, @BridgitSFara44.