Whether Tinder is your matchmaker of choice or you take your chances meeting people in the real world (props to you), dating isn’t easy, and if you think you’ve got it all figured out, you’re wrong. A situation where someone you know little about or not as much as you’d like, it can often feel a little forced.
We learn these binaries, that men are worlds apart to women, and vice versa from early on. Cue; Girls go to Mars to get more bras, boys go to jupiter to get more stupider.
So navigating another’s feelings, especially someone you’ve just met can be incredibly tricky. But word to the wise, we got the lowdown straight from the horse’s mouth. Here’s just what the ladies and gents had to say for themselves.
For the Gents
“If you go say “hi” to someone at a bar or a coffee shop and they ignore you what is the worst thing that could happen? Life will go on. If you ask a girl out and she makes up an excuse or cancels on you, life will go on. There are so many opportunities out there and who knows what opportunities will be available to you because of that “no”.”
“A good listener doesn’t listen to respond. They listen to learn. A bad listener focuses on explaining his own experience. A good listener focuses on learning about the other person’s experience. This is the #1 reason that guys get rejected on dates. They don’t know how to ask follow up questions and show that they actually want to learn about you.
When they do listen, they act like they are doing it because they know they have to, and the next thing they say shows no indication that they heard.”
Keep the first date casual
“Keep the first date cheap and simple. A first date is just a screening process. Not a romantic event. Choose an easy, relaxed activity that doesn’t have to take more than half an hour. A drink, a coffee, a ice cream and a walk in the park, whatever. Somewhere cozy is ideal.
However, just because a first date should be simple doesn’t mean it can’t be interesting. Use the date as an opportunity to go somewhere new that you’ve been wanting to try. There are unique bars, coffee shops and hole-in-the-wall restaurants in every city; check them out.”
“Guys can be pretty generic. Their pick up lines are generic. Their chat is generic. Their self-involvement is painfully generic. If you’re going on a date try something that is outside of the norm (think a cocktail making class rather than a beer at a pub), if you’re asking her about herself don’t ask about what she does at work.
Instead ask about her most irrational childhood fear or her favourite Disney film. She will remember you and be intrigued by you if you’re something outside of the box.”
P.s. If you need to expand your pick-up line vocabulary, we’ve got it covered.
Treat her as an equal
“A lot of women don’t like to be “pedestaled” and that’s the sort of treatment a “nice guy” gives to a girl, thinking that’s what they want. Assholes tend not to do this, so there’s this illusion of mutuality (until it’s shattered when they girl realises that he’s taking advantage).
You need to genuinely create a bond based on mutuality and equality, and not one that puts the girl on a pedestal, because the vast majority reeeeally don’t like that (despite popular belief in princess treatment). Any girl who does want you to treat her like that is not usually worth your time because they will get bored of your attention.”
For the Ladies
Know when they’re just not into you
“Going for emotionally unavailable assholes, men or women, is either for people who are similarly unavailable or dumb teenagers who think assholes are cool. A smart adult is the one who knows what they want, prioritizes their happiness and values their time.
They also know that attention and interest are given, not to chase after, so they definitely choose to spend time with the people who are interested and cut all the drama and bullshit.”
Don’t talk about the date itself
“While you’re dating someone, don’t talk about the date itself. Don’t talk about future dates, past dates. Don’t even tell you’re date that you’re dating them. Just let it happen naturally and don’t analyse it. This is much easier said than done, and I know you’re stalking skills are second to none but just let it happen.”
Adopt an abundance mindset
“Dating is all about resilience and training yourself to have no fear of rejection. All other great personality traits stem from being able to accept failure and keep moving forward. It’s a numbers game. For every 100 hours that you spend wandering aimlessly outside, you might only get 1 or 2 dates. Keep at it and start wandering more.
Being desperate is the quickest way to send your date off to nopeville and trust me, people smell desperation really fast. This is why having an abundance mindset is so important. It means that you believe, as if it is a fact, that there is always something, someone for you out there so there is no rush in anything.”
Don’t bring a checklist
“Ah that special mental checklist women often use to evaluate the men they date. An ever changing list of requirements that could cancel out a great guy or dismiss a real connection because he doesn’t all the boxes.
Sure, know yourself and what you’re worth but keep you deal breakers to a minimum. It’s hard to be impressive on a first date, be open to new and different types of people.”
Guys want to fall in love too
“Girls aren’t passive. They seek that love and that one relationship. They’re vocal about trying to find it. Guys, on the other hand, tend to let it happen. When we find it, we find it. If we meet someone in between, we see where that goes. But don’t write off every guy as noncommittal.”