Stick a jade egg up ya! If a Byron Bay gypsy lady were to insult you, this is what she’d say. You’d look at her all confused and run for the hills because there would be really nothing worse than inserting a very hard, very rigid, probably cold, stone inside you.
Well don’t I have some concerning news for you…
Gwyneth Paltrow has preached this ‘wellness’ practice for years and among other things, like space suit stickers that ‘balance’ body energy, it’s really fkn weird and a bit suss. They’re all part of her side hustle ‘Goop’ and after a solid 10 years of selling dodgy pseudoscience, she’s announced a partnership with Variety to launch a docu-series on Netflix. She will shamelessly indulge in self-promotion and continue to advertise her weird jade vagina eggs for us all to gawk at. Ugh.
At first we thought the announcement was that Netflix was jumping onto the chance to give us a juicy investigative documentary into Goop’s wacky science – much like they do with all other things suss and creepy. Sadly we were wrong. It’ll be a series of 30 minute episodes starring different pseudoscience (scientists?) explaining the wizardry behind all the stuff. Paltrow will host.
Here are a few of her very, very weird items you’ll soon know all too much about.
Insertable Jade Egg
This is the Nephrite Jade stone that’s got the world talking in recent days, for obvious reasons. The $66 piece of rock was marketed to ‘improve your sex life and balance your menstrual cycle’. Don’t us females deal with enough insertable products during shark week/the crimson tide/aunt flow’s dreaded monthly visit??
Gyneacologists around the world were shook and a $145,000 lawsuit soon followed. The stones are no longer produced but they’re still sold.
Vibrator Necklace
Because you just never know when you’ll need one and because subtly these days is totally overrated.
Space Stickers
View this post on Instagram
Please don’t disturb, I’m vibing! 💫 #beauty #moodboost
These space stickers are not actually from an eight year old child’s toy drawer. Goop didn’t produce them but they did promote the Body Vibe’s space stickers on their online store. Apparently they improve sleep and cure anxiety. NASA has since called Paltrow to inform her that they are an offence to space and the universe. People continue to stick these on their skin and ‘vibe’ out. Do not disturb a sticker-wearer, ever. They are crazy.
These are just a few of her ‘wellness’ items. Since Goop’s launch in 2008 there’s been experts up in arms. There’s also been multiple lawsuits and a lot of people laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. But there are also people who believe this stuff and there are people claiming to be ‘pseudoscience experts’ that are preaching sometimes very dangerous practices.
So, does inserting a jade egg inside your vagina really help with your kidney health or can we call bullsh*t and get on with the regular wellness stuff like yoga and matcha tea? Only Netflix will tell…
Image Source: Gwyneth Paltrow Facebook, Goop Facebook, @mybodyvibes, Goop Website
