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Here’s Our Not Very Expert Opinion On Last Night’s Fkn Shambles Of A MAFS Ep

Watching last night’s commitment ceremony was kind of torture. I sat on my couch debating whether I should, 1) make a start on all the shit I said I would do before Sunday night rolled around but didn’t because I’m the Queen of procrastination or, 2) check in on all of my hopeless love experiment subjects as they spilled the juice on the week, that, was. Well much like every other night, MAFS won.

I also sit down for a good MAFS fix when I need a reminder that my own love life is, comparatively, traveling perfectly fine and all the relationship issues I’ve ever faced are literally a drink of sparkling water compared to the double shot whiskey on the rocks these guys are dealing with.

MAFS is a self-fulfilling, nightly ritual that’s gradually transformed into the confirmation I need that a relationship-issue-induced mental breakdown is really actually, not necessary. Okay sorry, this isn’t about me. Let’s dive head first into this MAFS wrap-up.

Billy’s Creative Juice Metaphor

I’ve never drawn a comparison between my relationship issues and draining liquid from fruit but Billy has totally transformed my perspective on this. The literary capabilities of juice are actually a thing and we should all praise him for the poetic masterpiece that was,

“Is the juice really worth the squeeze?”

Like, is Susie a really sweet fruit that’s ‘gonna produce a kicker of a smoothie? Or is she, in fact, really sour and over ripe to the point that all she’s ‘gonna offer Billy is a a watered down pulp? I think we know the answer. This kid needs an escape route ASAP.

Jess Chose To Stay Which Is Just A Really Huge Stitch Up

Poor flip-flop fanatic, Mick just hasn’t wanted a bar of Jess for the last two weeks and it doesn’t take a genius to understand why. All Mick’s asking for is a sheila that will leave the apartment with him, maybe walk to the bridge, but Jess has failed to deliver. Mick was very bloody desperate for Jess to whip out a ‘leave’ so he could get the frig outta there.

Even though he bad mouthed Jess’ family to the freakin’ death (not ideal Mick, bad move), he’s the only one in this sitch for genuine reasons. He summed it up perfectly himself,

“What’s the point when only one of ‘yas have got the pads on ready to bat?”

Well keep ya ‘pads’ on Mick. Jess is staying another week because the not snacc, but meal of a ‘hunk’ Dan is staying and she thinks the fuzzies he gives her are a good indication that this turf is worth exploring. Quote Jess,

“I haven’t been giddy and excited about a man in forever.”

Honey, maybe the ‘giddy’ you feel with Dan is because you’re actually married to Mick and he’s actually married to Tammy and you’re sneaking out to have secret Dan hookups when you shouldn’t be. I dunno though, could be totally off the pace here. You do you babe.

Martha Mic Dropped

Not much news to report in the land of Martha and child-loving school teacher Michael. The home visit to Michael’s stomping ground was the confirmation Martha needed to trust that he’s actually the good guy he makes himself out to be. Martha meant to say the “penny dropped” for her but instead transformed the whole scenario into a rap battle.

“It was a mic drop moment.”

*BOOM*.

Jules Is Julie Andrews In The Sound Of Music

Jules and Cam are still that rude loved up couple that never have any tea to spill. Nothing new to report on the relationship front here OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT Jules was giving off BIG Julie Andrews vibes. She’s honest, she’s grounded and her head is screwed the frig on. Jules aka Style Queen aka Julie Andrews frolicking over the rolling hills of The Sound of Music.

There’s ‘ya wrap up people. Stay tuned for more drama this week. MAFS never under delivers.

Image Source: Giphy, ABC News Youtube, 9 Now. 

Written by Kiah Frankel

Kiah is a lover of anything to do with brunch, the outdoors and all types of wine and cheese combinations.

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