So, this week has been a lot. Well I mean, at this point every week is a lot and time is slowly melding into one giant indistinguishable lump of existence, but hey – at least we still have memes, right?
There’s plenty of funny tweets ahead, but naturally we’re going to start off with a zoom meme, because I hear you Melbourne lock-down people crying from your home and I feel for you.
THE TEACHER ASKED A QUESTION ON ZOOM AND SOMEONE PLAYED A CRICKET SOUND EFFECT ???????
— wren (just married) (@pisstaken) September 8, 2020
hope this email gives you hell
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) September 8, 2020
There’s so many good COVID-19 related funny tweets and thank god because I don’t know where I’d be without them.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
— Alexis Gay (@yayalexisgay) September 8, 2020
So my university provided us with masks pic.twitter.com/kTmvDX2Trf
— Beth Whitlock (@beth_whitlock) September 4, 2020
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
— Sophia Cadogan (@sophiacadogan) September 2, 2020
There’s little that compares to the fear of feeling a sneeze brewing and trying to get away from people so you can get your mask off in time.
— Psycho Killer (@andyl222) September 2, 2020
But really, we’re not on Twitter for that. We’re on twitter for all the absurd jokes about being dead inside, because feels. (If I could feel anything).
“stars, they’re just like us” i say as i point up at a celestial body in the night sky that has already been dead inside for years
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) September 5, 2020
Quick legal question: Can they kick you out of Staples for pronouncing 3M as “mmm mmm mmm?”
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) September 9, 2020
Are you feeling down? Isolated? Uncertain about the future? Worried about what comes next? Then you may be suffering from… consciousness
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) September 9, 2020
Look I’m either obsessed with myself or won’t have a bar of it, there’s no in between.
I am not a scientist, so what I am about to say may sound very dumb. But I have been bitten by a ton more mosquitoes this year, and my best guess is that it is because (and forgive me if this seems obtuse) I’m sexier.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) August 30, 2020
The nemesis of thine wife is thine nemesis too. —book of petty, psalm 1
— roxane gay (@rgay) September 8, 2020
Me omw to take care of him pic.twitter.com/RpGbDGek3C
— Faith ??♀️ (@fxithdxbo) September 3, 2020
If a woman did something like sneeze the wrong way she’d be accused of being a witch. but the Wright brothers can invent full on aviation and everyone was like “ayy this shit tuff”
— Malik? (@AshyMalik) September 9, 2020
My best friend once told me in our kids’ school’s very quiet bootroom at pick-up that she was becoming necrophiliac. She meant narcoleptic. I will treasure those other parents faces until I die.
— Cristina Quintero (@cquinterowriter) September 1, 2020
Accidentally just replied to a boy I fancy off my HAMSTERS Instagram account goodnight
— KT (@Kateleeex) September 1, 2020
Anyway, here’s a long list of male audacity in the form of funny tweets for ya.
Thinking about the time that I said that I was distantly related to Marie Curie and a guy explained “It’s pronounced Mariah Carey”
— Eileen Mary O’Connell (@i_Lean) September 1, 2020
big news!!!! just got a lovely email from a guy I think was trying to liken me to 18th century philosopher Immanuel Kant but he must be really bad at spelling and capitalizing
— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) September 3, 2020
Decades ago I told a guy that I was studying meteorology. Him: ‘Cool. So when’s the next one coming?’
Me: ‘The next what? Thunderstorm?’
Him: ‘No, the next meteor.’
— Tracy Garner (@tracygarner) September 1, 2020
And also, probably the cutest picture I’ve seen on Twitter this week.
“scoot over, there’s not mushroom” https://t.co/0qNMIzR9Ig
— prxsky (@priscilla_tseng) September 3, 2020
Nice to know we haven’t changed.
As per my last engraved tablet pic.twitter.com/ajB2E0ktWp
— Lethality Jane (@LethalityJane) September 1, 2020
And now, for my fave which I’m about to send to my partner.
Last night my partner called me their little halal snack pack and I’m not mad.
— Nadine Chemali نادين (@femmocollective) September 9, 2020
Image Sources: Twitter