I’m not going to deny it, I love me some Geordie Shore goodness. When Wednesday night comes around, my best friend and I get together and sit down for some trashy deliciousness. I’ll never forget the day that I started down the path to the Dark Side and fell in love with the Geordies.
I was captivated by the boys (mmm, Scotty T) and the girls. Oh holy Manolo’s, the girls. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of love for Charlotte, Vicky, Holly and Sophie. In all honesty, I’m sure Charlotte and I could be best friends if we were ever to meet. But never in my life did I think a human being could be so… orange. It’s like they’ve been basting themselves with orange Fanta while on a spit roast of tacky. And those eyelashes! Those babies have a gravitational pull of their own with each blink, which is a feat in itself given how much they probably weigh. The clothing, or lack thereof, is a stand out feature. Do they even understand the concept of underwear, or does MTV UK simply not pay them enough to buy a pair that fit properly?
To put it simply, I want to know if the fake look is actually considered to be beautiful. Men say that they like the natural look, but little do they know the natural look is artificially concocted. We spend so much time primping and preening all to look like we’re not wearing any make up at all. Sorry boys, I didn’t mean to shatter the illusion for you. My everyday look isn’t quite natural, because my eyes don’t naturally have a black flick at the corners (I wish, it’d save me so much time), but it doesn’t look like I’m trying too hard either.
But there are those girls. You know the ones I’m talking about. Are these girls even aware of their unnatural skin colour? Do they think that their eyelashes are meant to make blinking difficult? It’s almost as if classic beauty looks have taken a back seat in favour of tacky and over the top. Every now and again pulling out a crazy look is okay, say for Halloween or a dancing performance. But as an everyday look? Honestly, does one really need to wear a skimpy mini dress and stilettos to buy milk and eggs? I get embarrassed when I hug someone and I leave a slight trace of blush on their shoulder or when I leave lipstick on someone’s cheek after kissing them. It makes me feel like my make-up looks drawn on with a crayon.
Now, I just want to take a second to talk about this thing called MIDDLE GROUND. I go through a tube of mascara a month, I fill in my brows, wear bright red lipstick and I dye my hair… but I’ll be damned if I ever look like a five year old’s make up test subject. Moderation is the key. The best advice I was ever given about makeup came from my Mum: “It’s supposed to enhance what you have, not create what you don’t. You shouldn’t be able to tell it’s even there”. It’s such a simple concept. I’m not saying don’t wear your falsies and please, tan yourself from a bottle because your skin is too precious to ruin in the sun – just don’t go over the top. The aim is to achieve a healthy glow and not to look like your face is about to melt off.
So, some simple steps to keeping it real (when you’re really faking it):
1.Match your foundation perfectly to your skin. This may mean mixing 2 shades together to create the perfect match. Then, blend it using a cosmetic sponge or your fingers, right down onto your neck so you don’t have a foundation line. They’re gross.
2.Apply one set of falsies ONLY. Use black eyelash glue and liquid eyeliner to blend the false lashes into your lash line. Practise makes perfect.
3.Only apply enough fake tan to make it look like you’re naturally sun kissed and follow the instructions on the bottle. Streaky tans are just as bad as orange ones.
4.Blush should be blended from your cheekbones down to the apples of your cheeks and up towards your temples. Similar colour to your skin, it should never be bright red or pink, instead, again, it should be a natural glow.
5.Take a selfie before you leave the house! You don’t have to post it on Instagram, but taking a picture of your face will show you what everyone else will see. It’s never too late for touch ups.
6.Check out Jenna Marbles’ video ‘How To Trick People Into Thinking You’re Good Looking”. She gets how to have fun with your face.
Stick with my mantra and just have fun with it! Mix it up and play with colours, just make sure you practise first. And Halloween is coming up soon too… it’s the one night of the year when your make up can look terrible and it’s totally acceptable. Do your worst.