Amanda writes about her year of breakthrough – overcoming depression, self harm, opening up about sexuality and forming new friendships. It all started with art.
Last year was both a hardship as well as a privilege. I think that everyone young and old alike can relate to that.
Like every year it has it’s ups and downs, but for the first time in a long time – I can say it had more ups.
After five years of struggling with who I am, trying to keep it underwraps just to spare humiliation or awkwardness with my family, I decided that NOBODY was going to be happy, until I stopped playing a character.
Last year I achieved three things; I sought out professional help for my depression. I came out as bisexual. I recovered from self harm.
I discovered that the reason for this miraculous productive list was because I finally found a grounding that gave me the confidence and the motivation to stop caring and start living.
For everyone, it’s different. Every success story has a different method than the last.
What I’ve learned so far is that it doesn’t matter what your art is, it doesn’t matter who you are, nothing is so serious as to remain silent about your struggles.
Some people have support groups, some people have money to get there. Well I didn’t. So, it was up to me to decide … did I want to be empty/miserable/sick forever? Or did I want to reclaim what everyone deserves to experience: happiness.
It’s hard to get through this stuff alone, you don’t want to burden anybody, you don’t want to chase them away. But being silent is so much more detrimental to yourself and the people surrounding you. I took baby steps. I had to find a plan, I had to follow it until it became easier to unveil everything that was screaming inside of me.
I signed up for social networking accounts, meeting hundreds of cool people because of it. People who were like me, and liked me. And we all found this one thing in common – Art. Art doesn’t necessarily mean Van Gogh’s greatest masterpiece. Art is whatever helps you express yourself in a non harmful and creative way.
Talking to newfound friends we helped each other find ways of coping with all the side effects of our mental illnesses. We exchanged musical preferences, drew pictures, picked up an instrument, wrote down what we were feeling, and even talked about the people who inspired us to do these artistic things.
As it turns out, the people we idolize are not so perfect, and especially the ones we were so infatuated with. A few as I have discovered, struggled with self harming, eating disorders, body shaming, bullying, gender or sexuality confusion, depression and anxiety. There’s just something beautiful about looking ahead, because you know that if these idol figures could overcome than so can you – and they encourage you to do the same.
How did art help my friends and I?
It allowed us to open up. Break the barriers. If you’re listening to your favourite song, and you listen to the words real close, you can see all these different scenarios in your head. If it’s sad, you may think of the people you have lost. If it’s happy you may think about the people that you love. Regardless, art, in any form, brings out all these pieces of us. Even the pieces that we suppress.
Art does not know boundaries and it doesn’t ask permission, but you can control it to accommodate you in any way you deem fit. For myself, I wrote a lot. At first I started out writing some pretty dark material, but over time, it gave me the confidence to finally speak out. After you get those parts of you out in the open, you can start being happier. No, it doesn’t guarantee that those around you will understand or respect you, but it feels good when you’re not hiding.
Soon enough I was able to write songs. I have always loved music, although not many around me agree with my musical taste, I can safely say that it’s something personal to me that sets me apart from everyone else. Another upsider here – people respect you when you don’t try to ‘fit in’.
One of my friends whom I call “Nat” is a brilliant artist with a paint brush, with a pencil, and just one hell of a smarty pants with kick butt music taste.
One night she discussed how she came out as bisexual to her dad. As expected, she was nervous and anxious and horrified all rolled into one, but she did come out! Like all of my friends and myself, art helped us to reveal ourselves to the world. We like what we do, what we’re capable of creating, and when others appreciate what we can do and what we love doing, it slowly breaks down those barriers one by one.
What I’ve learned so far is that it doesn’t matter what your art is, it doesn’t matter who you are, nothing is so serious as to remain silent about your struggles.
Always be open with yourself, always love yourself, and keep doing whatever it is that helps you to be yourself.
Art is the weapon.
If you or a loved one is struggling with depression or another mental health issue, please talk to someone. Here’s a list of help lines and professional contacts.
If you haven’t heard of TalkLife, it is where you find friends and a place to belong. There’s a huge community of people like you, who understand. Download for free on your Apple or Android device.
via Talklife.
Image: galleryhip.com
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