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Yikes: Here’s Every Man You’ll Meet On Tinder

It ain’t easy being frisky.

I spend hours every week with my girlfriends chatting about this very topic: the guys you meet on Tinder. Come on, the repetitive smorgasbord is a reality for most of us (girls and guys alike). The revolution of Tinder has literally created a whole new topic of conversation in our everyday lives. When I’m with the girls, Tinder almost always comes up. I’m one of the more notorious deleters/re-downloaders of the dreaded dating app, but through it all, I’ve learnt a thing or two on what to expect.

And thus, I present to you: every man you’ll meet on Tinder. Let’s begin.

The Player

They sometimes have photos with the same girl, who seems to be pretty significant in their lives. I find it bewildering that they advertise themselves as some sort of ‘forbidden fruit’.

The Sexually Hungry

They generally message you at midnight with the old, “Want to come by for a snuggle/cuddle?”. They manage to turn every conversation into offering their sexual services. #netflixandchillgang

The Cool Guys

The guy you become friends with. This seems like a really weird concept because it’s Tinder, but sometimes it just works. You may have set up a Tinder date with this person, but from the chemistry (or lack thereof,) it’s very clear that it’s mutually platonic. There’s no pressure. You’re mates.

The Stage 5 Clingers

He’ll message you 50 times a day without you responding. He’ll find your Facebook or your Instagram and try to add you, despite you not giving your last name or permission. Abort mission. ASAP.

The Drunks

The people who use Tinder when they’re drunk because their friends aren’t fulfilling their expectations on nights out. They generally post moments asking “who’s awake?”. It’s a confidence boost and the alcohol is a shield from being embarrassed. They need the liquid courage, to say and do the stuff that they wouldn’t be able to do sober.

The Here For A Long Time, Not A Good Time

The guys on Tinder looking for a relationship. The purists, the idealists. The real world may not be good enough for them, and it sometimes seems like they’ve run out of options. Let them down easy.

The Here For A Good Time, Not A Long Time

The backpackers, the “I’m in Sydney for 3 days, show me around”, foreigners and sex fiends. You just know that the lie in their bio has been there for at least six months. But hey look a gal has her needs, and sometimes these lads fit that bill.

The Aggressive

You know the type. His profile probably consists exclusively of gym selfies. The roided-festival pics, “suns out, guns out”, and of course they specialise in unappreciated sexual advances. Not my cup of tea, but. You know. Each to their own.

The ‘In Denial’

The “my friend just made this account for me, so I’m just checking it out” guy. Too embarrassed to admit why they’re on Tinder. Nothing to be ashamed of! Don’t lie! Just swipe left and right with abandon like the rest of us!

The Pick Up Lines Guys

“Orange you glad we meet?”
“If I said you had a hot body, would you hold it against me?”

Someone needs to tell them that a pick up line hasn’t ever worked in the history of civilisation, but you gotta admire them for trying, right?

The Funny Boys

If you’re suspicious that your conversation is in front of a live audience, it probably is. The jokesters, the pranksters and the comedians of their group. They use the app as a source of entertainment.

Last, but definitely not least:

The Netflix And Chill Guys

Welcome to the Netflix revolution. ‘Netflix and chill’ is just everyday vernacular for sex these days. It’s the polite version, a faux innocence. Best case scenario: you meet someone who genuinely wants to cuddle and hang out. Worst: you sit through a few uncomfortable episodes of Rick and Morty while he tries to come onto you. Figuratively and maybe literally.

The Game

Tinder is a game: it’s like playing the pokies at the pub. You’re swiping along and then you hit the jackpot – you’ve matched with someone. The prize: you get to talk to the person. There aren’t any guarantees, but there’s that feeling of pride when someone likes you back. The potentiality and the possibilities seem endless when that magic screen comes up –“It’s a Match! You and Eric have liked each other”. Then you decide if you want to send a message or keep playing. Tinder has made it socially acceptable to have the ‘one-night stand’; instead of going out clubbing, we turn to Tinder to fulfil our needs.

Throughout the times sex has grown to mean different things and now with the Tinder revolution, this generation has made its own definition. The fact that you can swipe someone, sleep with them, and then delete them or never speak to them again has become something of a strange norm. It gives ‘no strings attached’ a whole new meaning, you literally don’t have to show any emotion or authenticity to the other person.

Let’s be honest, who doesn’t love to be chased? You can be chased without actually being involved with the person. The chase goes on, the different types of guys try their hand a swooning you. And while you’re available, you’re sort of never truly available to anyone – there’s no end to the game.

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