It’s here! It’s finally here! I know it’s literally only been a few months since our last Bachie content but coronavirus has made this year feel like three decades so honestly, I welcome the spiral into trash TV. Bachelor in Paradise is just the right amount of trashy for me to engross myself in it and pretend the apocalypse isn’t in full swing, so let’s get to it.
So good to have this powerful human back #bachelorinparadiseau pic.twitter.com/ewudZvRuFS
— Osher Günsberg (@oshergunsberg) July 15, 2020
Okay but I am LIVING for Osher gassing up Abbie. She copped so much shit for her time on Bachie and she deserves Bachie Jesus’ protection and endorsement. Especially because most of this episode was boring AF and Abbie’s constant commentary was prob the only reason I didn’t tune out after the first 10 min. I gotta say, I expected more from Bachelor in Paradise, because it only got interesting in the second half of the episode.
So far Abbie is bored with Jake, horny for Ciarran, and grossed out by Jamie. In other words, she is perfect. #BachelorInParadiseAU
— Jenna Guillaume⁷ (@JennaGuillaume) July 15, 2020
Okay, but REAL TALK. Cass/Ciarrin was SO OUT OF NOWHERE.
Lucius Malfoy got lit in iso #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/eP6yzUz2os
— Jerome Doraisamy (@JeromeDoraisamy) July 15, 2020
Cass was a bit of a nobody in Matt’s season, so watching her walk into Bachelor in Paradise and suddenly snag the hottest bad boy of the day while previously being treated as a literal pixie child was SUCH A TWIST.
Except for, you know, the fact that she was constantly slut-shaming Abbie along with everyone else. Sigh. It was honestly so unnecessary. Hello internalised misogyny, I see we are not done with you yet.
“Abbie general gets what she wants” is a bold statement given how spectacularly she did not get what she wanted in the entirety of last season #BachelorInParadiseAU
— Matilda Boseley (@MatildaBoseley) July 15, 2020
Wait so Cass… is friends with Renee… but is still interested in pursuing her ex… but thinks Abbie doesn’t adhere to some girl code? #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/DeUpWFytkb
— Tahlia Pritchard (@Tahls) July 15, 2020
WAIT SO CASS is slut shaming Abbie for pursuing Ciarran but she is also pursing him DESPITE BEING FRIENDS WITH THE EX THAT HE CHEATED ON?!?!?! Are we really gonna give Abbie the villain edit orrrrr……#BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/kkkcSaZF5W
— Claire Boland (@ClaireLBoland) July 15, 2020
So Ciarran can wander into a resort, clothes off, grapes covering his bits, but when I do it it’s all like “ma’am, please put some clothes on, get out of Coles, and return to isolation?” #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/FxGTcJmsQn
— Tahlia Pritchard (@Tahls) July 15, 2020
Then Ciarran decides to hit up Abbie anyway since he doesn’t get a smooch from Cass… and now, while I am also absolutely here for Abbie getting what she wants, it’s defo a bit yikes. But also everyone is literally on this island to smash so maybe not.
I’m no expert on relationships at all but I’m pretty sure if you’re flirting/vibing with someone and they then decide to spend the night in someone else’s bed because “you didn’t kiss them” that’s a pretty fucking big red flag 🚩 #BachelorInParadiseAU
— Bee (@HoneyyBee94) July 15, 2020
Anyway, LET’S TALK ABOUT TIMM. I didn’t actually watch the whole Angie season (just enough to keep my media job oops), so I did not initially get the hype around himm (hehe) when I watched him behave like an actual 8 year old as he hid from Abbie behind couches and then spooked her.
That one guy I unmatched with on Bumble who still watches all my Instagram stories. #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/as4AHEHYlt
— PUNKEE (@itspunkee) July 15, 2020
Like, is this Bachie in Paradise or Play School? BUT THEN HE TURNS OUT TO BE SUPER SMART AND ADORABLE, telling people to calm down because it’s only the first day (the only sane thing said this entire episode), and then CHOOSING BRITTNEY DESPITE NOT BEING INTO HER SO SHE CAN HAVE A DATE.
Timm picking Brittney after she told him she has never been picked for a date. #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/0RCoKGIDH3
— PUNKEE (@itspunkee) July 15, 2020
Timm & Conga Brit laughing on the couch is like watching the inflatable men at a car sales yard #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/AhFtmkXSmr
— Caitlin Smedley (@CaityElyse) July 15, 2020
Also this recap basically converted me:
Shoutout to the editors for making sure this iconic Timm look was brought back within the first minute of the show. GREAT start. #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/veR2mfYCJp
— Viki G (@viki_gerova) July 15, 2020
cass and mary say they dont care about abbie but spend majority of the episode shit talking her, focus on yourselves and your so called love journey lmfao #BachelorInParadiseAU
— ruby²⁸ 🌷 (@_foolforlou) July 15, 2020
The Brits are honestly the only two girls not getting involved in drama so far in this season of Bachelor in Paradise, gassing themselves up and having a good time, and for that they are my faves. Watching Brit refuse to be pit against her co-date and calling her a “beautiful soul” was SO SWEET.
Also @ Brittney, I WANT TO HERE ABOUT HOW YOU FOUND THE DEAD BODY EVEN IF TIMM DOESN’T. I LOVE YOU.
@oshergunsberg consider this a formal petition for Brittney Bachelorette 2021. #bachelorinparadiseau pic.twitter.com/GLvEBekusb
— Ellen (@Ellz88) July 15, 2020
Oh god you guys…. I dunno if I can do this. Brittany is the only reason I’m still here. #BachelorInParadiseAU
— Em Rusciano (@EmRusciano) July 15, 2020
It really do be like that #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/05qysGRptn
— PUNKEE (@itspunkee) July 15, 2020
Please never forget Honey Badger’s line of “thanks for sharing” after he dumped Britt #BachelorInParadiseAU
— Tahlia Pritchard (@Tahls) July 15, 2020
Timm realising Brittney is still on the 2 on 1 date#BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/MKHkXjZCv1
— Justin (@JuzDT) July 15, 2020
For real though, WHO TF IS GLENN? And the other guy with the nice eyebrows from 84 years ago who I don’t remember the name of. Niranga though, I remember, and he is getting absolutely slept on AGAIN. Shame on you, editors.
I have a question…#BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/qEVEn5Xs9i
— PUNKEE (@itspunkee) July 15, 2020
not the editors doing Niranga dirty AGAIN ?! WHERE IS HE #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/76zLyFXE61
— alysha (@intosneedy) July 15, 2020
Can we talk about how much I can’t stand Jamie? WHO TF LET HIM IN HERE.
Jamie needs to step away from the 24 year old #BachelorInParadiseAU
— Jenna Guillaume⁷ (@JennaGuillaume) July 15, 2020
Abbie coming in for Ciarran and getting Jamie is 2020 summed up #BachelorInParadiseAU
— Nope (@robyn56436920) July 15, 2020
Who is the oldest guy you would date?
Every girl in paradise: 39
Jaime: but I’m 40
Table: #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/KXrqV94Fuq— Milhouse Thrilhouse (@Minquist01) July 15, 2020
“I wanna come across as more of a relaxed guy” – Jamie #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/naSJV3ndDm
— Nicole Sherwin (@nikkaloola) July 15, 2020
Jamie: I’m trying to be less intense
Also Jamie: Timm is my best friend#BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/CBTogLKlC7— erin ✨ (@erinhocking) July 15, 2020
Anyway, that’s all for today folks. Next week on Bachelor in Paradise we are going to see this Abbie/Cass drama hit the fan, watch Jamie try to give out 5 roses (???), hopefully actually hear Niranga speak and not just be token diversity hire, and meet our new surprise contestant Jess! Who, BTW, is the hottest person I have ever seen. Ok, bye.
Image Sources: Twitter, Channel 10