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Run For The Hills: All The People You Don’t Want To Date


Urban Dictionary defines ‘dating’ as ‘when two individuals go out with each other to determine if they are compatible’. According to this definition, dating can last anytime from a week to many, many years.

This definition is inherently false and I am taking it upon myself to teach you all a very valuable lesson in compatibility. What kind of inexperienced schmuck is projecting such falsities into the void? A week?! Heck, this is ridiculous and misleading. All I can say, Mr Urban Dictionary, is that you have quite obviously been spared by the dating gods. You’ve not yet encountered a walking, talking red flag that renders the first date the darn last. 

Here is a comprehensive list of people you do not want to date. Steer clear of these schmucks and run for the hills once you’ve determined your fellow date is indeed a red flag.

The Unjustified Waiter Hater

I once dated a guy and he didn’t use his manners whilst ordering his stupid medium-rare steak. He didn’t even look the waiter in the eye and his tone was that of an unappreciative, unjustified, waiter-hating animalThis type of walking, talking red flag is not someone you want to be emotionally invested in. I promise, if your fellow date lacks basic table manners, boy is there going to be a long list of other insufficiencies where that one came from.

The answer? Exit the premises and tip the waiter on your way out.

The Food Whore

‘Scuse my French but I must express my inner rage. I’ve had my fair share of food whores and it doesn’t get any less infuriating. Food whores are people who refuse to share their food with you and they are, without a shred of doubt, the bane of my existence.

Darl, listen up. This is not your first time in a restaurant, no you are not deprived of food and nutrients so please, put your selfishness aside and give me seven large bites of your meal. Also, don’t get skimpy on the combinations. I want seven large mouthfuls of every element on your plate, not just the side dish. Thank you.

Poor Footpath Etiquette

There is an unspoken rule that if you are walking in a group of two or more individuals, someone’s gotta take one for the team and either drop back or lead the way. None of this three-abreast shit. Additionally, if you’re walking on the right side of the footpath you obviously don’t know the correct direction of traffic, a fatal mistake that leads to awkward side steps and maybe even a head butt.

Please, abide by the laws of the footpath and walk at a constant speed of roughly 5km per hour. Any faster and I will break out in a sweat; any slower and you’re too slow for my fast-paced lifestyle.

Mid-Movie Loud Mouth

Utter a single word during my movie and I will personally usher you out of the theatre. I do not care if the utterance of words are heartfelt sweet nothings — I will not tolerate a mid-movie loud mouth. I have not yet seen this film so please, do not ask me plot-related questions and no, I do not want to know what you ‘bet’ will happen.

I also forbid you, fellow date, to handle any kind of food packaging that causes a distraction. Do not wait for a time in the movie you deem to be loud enough for a rustle because, I’ll have you know, I can hear everything. 

Prefers Cats

Obviously, if you refer to your shorthair feline at any point during the date, consider it over. I don’t care if your cat has dog-like qualities, the fact that you’re trying to draw similarities between these starkly different creatures is something I cannot approve of.

So, Mr Urban Dictionary, a week is an over-estimation and you need to revise your definition. Dating, in fact, can start and end within an extremely short but vital timeframe – 20 minutes. Just 20 minutes with your date and you can make an educated escape based on these five vital red flags. They’re not very complicated and I promise you’ll know one when you see one. So please, study them carefully and revise your definition. For the sake of all of us.

Image Source: Giphy, IMDb. 

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