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Things Your Waiter Never Wants To Hear

Ah the hospitality industry, a right of passage for many a young person. There’s nothing like someone demanding how their food be cooked in unimaginable precision. Or just how complicated someone’s drink order can be. Alas even if you haven’t had the pleasure of wearing the apron, or being a waiter, you’re bound to cringe.

So together we’ve teamed up with BENCHMARQUE to bring you the kind of thing a waiter never wants to hear. Ever.

“Can I sit on that table?”

Sure, one person on a six seater is totally reasonable. Or maybe would you like that table with the reserved sign on it? You’re the boss here.

“When will the food be here? I’m in a rush?”

Oh good, thanks for ordering the most complex, time consuming thing on the menu. If you’d let me know in advance I could’ve done something, alas now you’re going to yell at me. Get it over with.

“Can I swap this for that?”

Of course, our chef will love that. He’s all for substitutions. I’m running out of space on my order pad and yes that will be extra.

“I’ll have the steak well done, but on the rarer side.”

Please utter a more confusing sentence, I dare you.

“Do you have any other specials?”

Aside from the six on the board, and the two I told you about? No, sorry.

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“Your handwriting is messy, how do they get the orders from that?”

My scrawl is just fine thank you very much. The kitchen staff are especially fluent in hurried, slanted, messy writing.

“What happened to insert dish here, that was my favourite!”

Nobody else bought it, the ingredients got too expensive or it’s not in season. Whatever the reason, I assure you it’s not coming back just because you asked.

“Gosh, why is that so expensive?”

Well I know who’s not giving me a tip.

“How much do you get paid?”

Not enough apparently.

“Are we able to split the bill ten ways?”

25 to 30 ways is fine. You know what, don’t pay at all I’ll grab it. My shout because I’m a cool waiter.

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“I just wanted to let you know, this wasn’t great. But I’ve eaten it now so oh well.”

Hmm. So it was so awful you had to swallow it all down at once? That seems likely. No free meal for you.

“What’s your recommendation?… Oh no I don’t like that.”

Oh ok, sorry for not being overly familiar with your tastebuds.

“Is George, the owner in today? We’re longtime friends.”

Great, I’ll be sure to announce that to everyone who works here so you get better service. Thanks for name dropping at this establishment. Not.

While we’re at it, lingering way past close, stuffing your dirty napkins into any available space and snapping your fingers at your server are other surefire ways to make them hate you. Oh and there’s no occasion that would actually make us spit in your food.

Are you a waiter who can relate? Maybe you’ve used pretty much all one of these lines before? Well either way, if you’re looking to earn some extra cash on the side, or maybe even try this whole career thing you’ve heard so much about, the lovely folks at BENCHMARQUE are here to help ‘ya out. Simply fill out the form below or click here to start getting all of the job opps. Less spending ca$h, more making money.


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Image source: CBS

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