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Things Your Barista Never Wants To Hear

In honour of International Coffee Day, let’s pour one out for our baristas

In honour of International Coffee Day, let’s pour one out for our baristas. For the gift of breathing life into each morning, baristas cop it badly. No one is more particular about their hot beverage than a sleep deprived worker in search of their punching bag and a steaming hot almond milk something or other. So next time before you whip out the snarky comments, have a thought for that bearded bloke or lady behind the counter.

He or she leaves every day emanating the smell of grounds and unfettered by the six double shots during the day. It’s caffeine courtesy to be a good customer really, and these are some of the most frequent facepalms a barista deals with daily.

“Um, are you sure you used skim milk? It doesn’t taste like skim.” 

Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t but I’m certain you can’t taste the difference. 9/10 I use whatever delicate milk you ask me to pour, but when it’s busy and the skinny is out of reach, who knows.

“Can I get a venti caramel macchiato with extra whip?”

This isn’t Starbucks, so take your order for the caffeine equivalent of an alcopop to that nightmare. If you can find one.

“Is my coffee ready yet?”

You know what, I have made it I was just waiting to see how long you’d wait. It’s hiding here behind the counter getting cold obviously.

“Sorry one second Ange I’m ordering coffee, can I get my coffee?”

Get off the phone please, you wouldn’t attempt to have a conversation with a friend nor a tradesman with your cellular device pinned to your ear. Ange can wait, promise.

“You’re a cute barista, not one of those hipster baristas.

Hey look I’m not going to disagree but this is an incredibly awkward setting for you to make that move. I have to be polite since I’m being paid for it, so if my hospitality was confused as flirting sorry. Not getting my number but please tip still thanks.

“Can I get my coffee extra hot? It was lukewarm last time you made it.”

Out of all the coffees you my dear regular have ever drunk was it this once that it was unsatisfactory? I do apologise. But there’s a less passive aggressive way to tell me, or hey let me know at the time so I can fix it for you.

“Oh is Benny not in today, he’s my favourite barista.”

Benny boy is nowhere to be seen unfortunately so you’ll have to suffer through my subpar brews today.

“So tell me more about these beans.”

In the instance of genuine interest I’m more than happy to explain the process but if you’re trying to show off, google the beans for yourself. Knowing your single origin certainly doesn’t make you an expert in anything, it does make you a coffee snob.

“I like my soy flat extra hot.”

Well you must like your milk burned then. Fine, I’ll compromise the quality of my coffee for your palette, just don’t you dare send it back for a lack of latte art.

“I’d like an ex-pressso and a cup-o-cino, please.”

Sure, pronunciation may vary but these butcherings are particularly irritating for a coffee making man like myself.

“Don’t bother with the latte art, I’m in a rush.”

I too am in a rush, it’s 8am and I have a line for 20 coffees to be made. But thanks for sacrificing latte art for your schedule.


“Can I get a hot chocolate with six sugars, extra hot too.”

That much sugar is bound to cause diabetes for one, but for two it will certainly lower the temperature as it dissolves. I’m no scientist but that’s just bad chemistry.

“Have you tried *insert other cafe here*? They have great coffee!”  

Wow, great, thanks. No we won’t be switching to their beans or stealing their menu and staff, if you like it so much why not go there for your afternoon pick me up? Bye.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, I meant to ask for almond milk. Could you please switch that for me?”

Um, no. Is what I want to say, but obviously the customer is always right, so why yes of course. Just know I don’t feel good about it.

“I’m a coffee connoisseur.”

You should get a t-shirt that says that to embarrass yourself everywhere you go. Don’t be a tosser please.

“Can I get a flat white with extra froth and chocolate on top?”

Hate to break it to you but that’s no longer a flat white. I will certainly make you a cappuccino though.

“You spelt my name wrong.”

Is it phonetically sound? Did you still get the coffee? I know you by your order not your birth certificate, move along please.

Image source: Entertainment Now.

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