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Things Your First Date Never Wants To Hear

Ah the minefield that is modern dating. Whether you met over the inter web and this is your first real life encounter or it’s just your first official meeting, nervous energy can all but corrupt your well meaning intentions. Will you find love, someone worth pursuing? Or will you strike out? A word of advice, it’s all up to how you present yourself. So buckle up and take notes, if you’re along for the ride here’s a list of absolute don’ts. If you want a second date that is, if you’re not too fussed then carry on being your oblivious self.

“Oh, I just assumed you’d pay.”

A Mexican standoff over who will foot the bill is never a good way to end what may have been a great evening. If you like the person then split it at least, if you really can’t afford even a portion you shouldn’t have come out in the first place.

“I’m about to move overseas.”

The first date is a lot of smoke and mirrors, with the intention of leaving them intrigued. Saying this on a first date is crystal clear you weren’t going to wait around for the third date. Not smooth at all.

“Friends say I’m clingy, but I’m just an all or nothing person in relationships, you know?”

Woah, please dial it down a lot. Even if you are a stage five clinger, have the decency to play it cool for a moment at least.

“What are you thinking about?”

Not a great question to poise at someone you don’t know that well. In your head it may sound pensive and cute but it’s just a little intrusive and odd in practice.

So, your place or mine?”

Presumptuous. Rude. Brazen. Ineffective. d) all of the above. Avoid uttering ever again.

“I Googled you.”

The whole googling someone thing is meant to be done in a private browser in secret. Along with all other internet stalking practices, like scrolling back 37 weeks or so on Instagram. This is the equivalent of liking a photo from back then on purpose.

“Who are you texting?”

You have no right to ask that, unless they’re ignoring you in favour of texting someone else. There’s many a polite way to deal with this situation that isn’t so accusatory.

“You don’t really look like your profile picture.”

If you did meet on a dating app, this is potentially the single, worst thing you can say. Of course they picked their best angle, lighting and photo to pop up online. Don’t act so surprised. But if you’re genuinely concerned they catfished you it’s best to run first and say passive aggressive things later.

“You’re not the type of person I usually go for.”

Even if you have a type telling said potential love interest they are not it is a surefire way to fail. So you mixed it up this time, claps for you. Doesn’t mean you have to make the other person feel inferior whilst you’re at it.

“So who’s that in all your pics?”

If you’re using this person as a stepping stone to hotter, hunkier friends, this is not a good play. Forgetting for a moment the flailing segue, even a smooth delivery couldn’t save this shallow attempt to move onwards and upwards. Their friend isn’t going to see you now, since you’ve been such a douche.

“Wow, you’re eating a lot.” 

Even if you’re date is at a buffet (not sure why), don’t say it. If they’ve ordered six entrees and two mains, don’t say it. Even if you think they’re in it for the free food, gorging themselves and hoping you’ll pay – don’t say it.

“I’m looking for someone who will financially support me.”

There are sites for that sort of thing… If you’re going on a date looking for an angel investor to fund your lifestyle, please seek help.

“I’m not looking for anything serious.” 

You can think it, but please, oh god, don’t say it out loud. No matter your reasoning, fresh out of relationship heartache, single lifestyle lover, it’s rude. Meeting on a dating app isn’t an excuse, don’t assume anything. You can seriously hurt someone’s feelings with your disinterest. It’s not honest, it’s just plain rude.

“So, how do you think that went?”

Don’t ask for a review of the date unless you’re being incredibly sarcastic. If you have to ask, it’s safe to assume you didn’t do well. That, or there’s not a lot of chemistry and you can’t read the situation. Either way, leave the post match reports for the group chat.

Image source: Postfold. 

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