You’d be hard pressed to find someone who doesn’t have a love/hate relationship with the prolific ‘dating’ app. Myself, I smile fondly whenever I think of that cesspit, that pit of cess known as Tinder. Whether you’re a seasoned veteran or a shy newcomer, there’s definitely a pattern you’ll notice in each hopeful suitor’s profile.
“Wait. Do I know you?”
Whether it’s an ex-flame, a friend, or god forbid, a family member, seeing a familiar face on Tinder is jarring and confronting. Swipe left and promptly wipe the whole thing from your mind.
“Damn. I meant to swipe right.”
A modern day tragedy. Your trigger-happy thumb, caught in the habit of swiping left, accidentally casts away what was most probably your soulmate. Ah, well. What, are you going to pay for Tinder premium to negate your mistake? Things aren’t that desperate. Yet.
“That poor, poor dog.”
You know exactly what I’m talking about. Every other photo on Tinder involves a dog that looks like it’s being held hostage with a gun behind the camera. Let that pooch go. You’re shamelessly using its unwilling cuteness to try and lure me into a right swipe! And it worked!
There’s nothing more soberingly humbling than swiping right, half out of pity, only to have it not be an immediate match. Those moments of silence that follow are your wake up call. Your head was getting too big, for a second there. Check yourself.
“Which one ARE you?”
If you’re the type who exclusively has group photos on their profile, you’re the worst kind of person. Am I supposed to sit here for ten minutes and try and decipher the common denominator in all these smiling faces? RULE OF THUMB: if they only have group photos, they’re not in the picture you hope they are.
“You were cute before we started messaging.”
Your photos made you look so sweet! Look at you cuddling that baby that you helpfully disclose as your nephew in your bio! Then you had to go and shatter the image by asking for nudes. Too good to be true, I suppose.
“Jesus. Give me SOMETHING.”
We’ve all matched with people who are conversational starfishes. A gif in response to a question doesn’t exactly lead me to want to know more about you. We’re in this together! Send me something that consists of more than two words! Work with me!
“What the hell am I doing on here.”
It’s rough out there, folks, and Tinder is no different. Sure, you’ll meet the occasional person who makes the whole sorry experience worthwhile. But is it worth slogging through the seemingly endless feed of lumps of coal? I mean… yes. It is. Because we keep coming back for more. 21st century masochism? Perhaps. Highly entertaining? Always.
Image Source: Comedy Central