It’s been an… interesting decade for auspol. Despite the fact that we’re suffering from drought and catastrophic, unprecedented bushfires right now that are literally the beginning of the climate change apocalypse, we continue to have the most cooked political representatives.
And if for a moment you thought that maybe Aussie politicians aren’t so goddamn strange, check out my personal favourite moments of batshit things that have happened in this decade’s politics.
#5 Bob Katter’s Bizarre Crocodile Rant
Ah, what an absolute classic moment of nonsensical BS coming from Aussie politicians.
In a panel about Katter’s homophobic “No” campaign in the marriage equality plebiscite, this nutter suddenly shifted tone from saying “let there be a thousand blossoms bloom” (??) cheerfully about private sexual dealings, to a darkened, angry mood while ranting ““But I ain’t spending any time on it (marriage equality) because in the meantime, every three months, a person is torn to pieces by a crocodile in North Queensland!”
#4 Scott Morrison Needing Empathy Training
I mean, if the Prime Minister of your country needs empathy training (we’re talking $190,000 worth of empathy training) because he cannot sympathise with the plights of his people… then why TF is he in this position?
Especially because the training clearly didn’t work.
#3 Pauline Hanson Wearing A Burqa To Parliament
— Lukas Coch (@cochl) 17 August 2017
Pauline Hanson has no shortage of weird and wacky shit that she has done, but her burqa stunt is definitely the worst one. The dramatic Scooby-Doo-esque reveal at the end is the icing on the cake, as is everyone telling her to put it back on. But also, what does it say about auspol that instead of actually discussing how awful a burqa ban is, we’re laughing about her stunt and not holding her accountable?
#2 Tony Abbott Eating A Whole Ass Onion
I know there’s a conspiracy that Hillary Clinton is an alien lizard, but surely if there is an alien lizard overlord then it’s Tonny Abbott? This is the guy that ate an entire onion in 2015, whole. Like, WITH THE BROWN CRACKLY SKIN ON. He didn’t even flinch!
If you thought that was the end of it, you are wrong. Earlier this year he defended eating the onion and described it as “beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.”
#1 Did Scott Morrison Shit Himself At An Engadine Maccas?
Okay, I know that you’re thinking thAt WaS iN 1997, but the rumour to the greatest mystery Australian politics has ever known (yes, even more interesting than that guy who went swimming), actually first appeared on Twitter in 2018.
Scott Morrison shat himself at Engadine McDonalds after the Sharks lost the GF in ’97.
— 𝙅𝙊𝙔𝙍𝙄𝘿𝙀 (@donjoyride) 24 August 2018
In 2019 it gained further traction, spirally out of control (much like Scott Morrison’s shit), until the public demanded answers on Twitter and eventually media outlets (I highly recommend Pedestrian.TV’s cold-case investigation into the alleged shittery).
Scott Morrison shidded – and I cannot stress this enough – out his doo doo ass at – and please hear me when I say this – Engadine Maccas in 1997.
— Ben Jenkins (@bencjenkins) 25 March 2019
— Anthony Dever (@anthonydever) 26 March 2019
*entering “Engadine Maccas 1997” into my time machine’s destination console*
Timmy the sidekick: Umm?
Me: You’ll see. Just get the camcorder ready ok?
— Mitch Feltscheer (@mitchfel) 26 March 2019
Will we ever know the truth? Will Scott Morrison’s butthole ever know peace? May 2020 bring only answers for all these cooked auspol moments.