in ,

We Ranked Every Bachelorette Contestant, So Get Ready To Cringe (A Lot)

Full disclosure: I have never seen an episode of the Bachelor or its various species of offshoots. However, because I don’t live underneath a legitimate anthill, I am aware of the dumpster fire that was The Bachelor finale this year. And while we can all debate whether the so-called ‘honey badger’ had planned this elaborate setup from the start (he did), who he should have chosen (let’s be honest, they would have broken up within the year anyway), and what the hell he was thinking (he wanted publicity), let’s all look forward! The Bachelorette’s lineup of potential suitors has recently been unveiled, so lets all turn our attention to the now, the glittering promise of the future that has not yet disappointed us.

Bill, 31

A good, square, jaw, a thick head of hair, and a self proclaimed ‘softie’. Did someone say DREAM MAN? He has kind eyes and looks like he has good intentions, so we’ll forgive him for his awkward hand-in-pocket pose that every uncomfortably self-aware teen getting his formal photo taken by mum also adopts.

Brendan, 29

Brendan looks like he has his shit together, right? Not only is he wearing a navy suit, the most desirable and trustworthy of suit colours, he’s painstakingly matched not just his tie, but his goddamned pocket square. This man is ready for the long haul: the 2.5 kids, the white picket fence, the works. He’s so nice looking it teeters on the edge of being boring. Stay tuned.

Cheyne, 28

Cheyne presents a more complex character than the others. Is he really Scottish? If not, why the kilt? A quick Google search reveals that Cheyne is a popular French girls name, so what’s the story? How is his hair so shiny? His bio reads that he is “an extravert, who has his introverted moments”. Ah, the duality of man. His tight-lipped half smile gives nothing away. An enigma, a mystery, a brooding Scottish/French/Aussie hybrid.

Todd, 26

…I am completely speechless. I’m not sure what on earth possessed Todd to wear a fake suit of armour in this photo that I’m sure will haunt him for the rest of his natural born life, but I can’t help but feel bitterly disappointed. He has the textbook good looks, windswept hair and slick straight line of white teeth that should have catapulted him to number 1 status, but alas.

Jules, 24

JULES WAS IN THE MILITARY AND WANTS YOU TO KNOW IT. He’s honestly not bad looking, and if you blur your eyes a little to try and remove that sad excuse of a moustache he could look vaguely Hemsworth-esque. Blur them a little more. A little more?

Peter, 27

Will almost certainly get eliminated first round, but will thank the lucky Bachelorette with a kiss on the cheek and will bow out so gracefully she’ll wonder if she’s made a mistake. You’re too kind for this dog fight, Pete. Quit while you’re ahead.

Wesley, 31

This man has a natural gravitas and allure, as seen in his winning smile and warm, genuine eyes. The kind nice guy-ness that is radiating out of this photo will make up for that atrocity of a jacket. Not crazy about the hair, either, but I can appreciate any man that puts  active upkeep into his appearance. Those shiny locks aren’t a product of apathy, people.

Dan, 32

I’m a little conflicted about Dan here. On the one hand, you just know from his goofy smile and earnest sticky-out ears that he’s absolutely everyone’s friend, and no one’s boyfriend, so my heart goes out to him. He does, though, have the impish stance of that annoying dude that’s always screaming “TAXXXXIIIIIII” every time someone spills some of their drink, so I really am torn. He seems nice enough, but he won’t win, I’m calling it right now.

Taite, 28

He seems deeply and genuinely confused as to why he is standing there, under those studio lights, in front of an array of carefully positioned plants, itching in a tight velvet suit. I am too, Taite. I am too. This is a vacant stare if I’ve ever seen one. What have you gotten yourself into, Taite? Blink twice if you’re being held against your will.

Ivan, 29

Ok. So there’s a few waving red flags in Ivan’s bio, here. Firstly, he aspires to be a Magic Mike dancer (!), and secondly, he describes himself of an ‘unapologetic mummy’s boy’ (!!). Ivan seems like the kind of guy you go on a few dates with, and you think you like him because he cracks you up, but come date 6 you realise he’s actually kind of a dick. You quietly delete the number and try and expel his unfortunate toupee-looking haircut from your mind.

Damien, 42

The silver fox, the eldest of the competition who’ll give the rest of the young bucks a run for their money. I don’t want to show some sort of ageist-adjacent prejudice here, but there must be a reason why ole Damien is still single, right? He claims in his bio that he is “single by choice”, which we all know just means that he’s a ghoster.

Charlie, 31

Now I don’t know about you folks out there, but I’m immediately suspicious of anyone with a lopsided smile. Why favour one side over the other? Why not stretch your lips out evenly in both directions like a normal person? There’s something missing in his expression, too. All he presents is but a vacant, lopsided stare out into the void.

Robert, 29

An Australian frat boy if I ever did see one. I can tell from just this one photo that this guy is an ugly drunk. Robert probably likes to go the races every weekend, judging from this tartan getup, so make of that what you will, good people.

Nathan, 23

The brash self-assuredness of that close-lipped smile. The tan. The brows. The chain. He describes himself as a ladies man, which, in this case, I can only assume means ‘aggressively metrosexual’.

Paddy, 27

Am I the only one who’s worried about Paddy here? This alarmed-meets-shocked expression can be attributed to a mixture of things: a cocked gun held at him from behind the camera; the picture being taken mid-sneeze; the brink of an existential crisis captured in real time. All completely plausible. Looking directly into those dilated pupils is unsettling at best.

Danny, 39

Ok, no thank you to this sir right here. This gaze honestly triggers my fight or flight response.

Daniel, 30

And here we have the final instalment of the Dan/Danny/Daniel trio. You know there’s too many generic white men in the cast when you have three people with the same damn name. This version is not doing anything for me, though I guess he gets a half point for that semi-dimple he’s rocking. Next.

Ben, 27

Ha. This is a trick. This is who the Bachelor just was, no?
In all seriousness, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to think about Benny boy here. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume this is a bad photo, because all this snap is doing is making me intensely uncomfortable.

Image Source: Channel 10

Yikes: Major Climate Change Report Predicts End Of The World, And We’re All Screwed

How To Avoid Splurging Beyond Belief When Dating