Out & About

How to Tell What a Club is Like From the Outside

Once upon a yesteryear, having club stamps trailing up your forearm was a badge of honour. A sign that you, my friend, had one riot of a night hopping your way past bouncers all over town.

Nowadays club stamps are the inky social equivalent of a hickey. A small, non-aggressive one doesn’t warrant too much judgment, but more than three makes people question if your night was really that crash hot.

Floating around unable to decide on a venue, and bearing those temporary scars of unhappiness as a result of your choices is no doubt the sign of a failed outing. Not to mention all those door charges, which can easily amass $100 if you’re in a capital city.

To avoid counting your leftover change on the sad 2am walk to the nearest kebab shop, take notice of a few key signs before you enter a club so you can suss out if it’s really what you’re looking for.

How many bouncers are there?

Generally speaking, the more bouncers there are, the more ‘clubby’ a venue will be. One doorman equals lively bar, eleven doormen equals rave.

*Please do not apply this rule to leagues clubs. They are in a, ahem, league of their own. 

Is there a cover charge?

Similar to the doorman rule, the higher the cover charge the more dance focused a venue is likely to be. If the charge is over $20 or so, you should ask the burly man at the front who’s playing tonight – the likelihood is that a big band or DJ is on.

If not, yeezus that’s steep! Do you get a free T-shirt with that?

Are people hanging around near the line but not going in?

There are but a few reasons people hang out the front of a club:

A) Waiting for a mate

B) Trying to re-work the gender ratios of their group to get in

C) Arguing with bouncers; or

D) They just so drank. So, so drank.

Anywho, decide if this is the kind of night you’re looking for and move on if need be. 

How many people are leaving?

Are people leaving in large groups? It may be a good idea to stop one of them and politely enquire as to why. After all, there’s nothing worse than paying your entry fee, only to find out it’s salsa night and you have two left feet.

Look up their Facebook page

Just as you can now look up CHOICE preferences whilst at the supermarket, you can read unedited reviews of a venue on their Facebook page. Head straight to the visitor posts section as well as their photo gallery. There’s no better insight than these.

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Michelle is a self-described epicure who loves depriving herself of sleep and then complaining about it. When she’s not writing, acting, or biting off more than she can chew, you can find her at The Lobo Plantation holding a rum old-fashioned.

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