Dating apps are a whole other world, you guys. A place where we let loose the hounds of bad manners and thirst ploys; a land of bad pick-up lines, barely contained desperation and complicated romantic schematics. I hear that sometimes it’s a cool, chill way to meet cool, chill people for cool, chill times, but I also believe this to be an urban myth. Here’s a few key things to look out for in your travels.
Their Bio Is Vague But Troublesome
Anything like, “Don’t need any more drama in my life!!!” or “You always know who has ur back” shows that this person has some real shit going on in their life, and you don’t wanna get tangled up in it. School Of Hard Knocks? Yeah, nah.
They Don’t Ask You Any Questions
If you find you’re doing all the talking, opt out. I once went on a Tinder date with a gorgeous male vocalist who seemed keen to meet me as well – too good to be true, right? Correct. We sat in a busy cafe for almost two hours and he didn’t ask me a single question about myself.
If I wasn’t quizzing him on his life, or work, or his frankly disquieting Harry Potter obsession, we fell into silence. Don’t bother with anyone that doesn’t wanna put in that slight effort to get to know you. Remember that you deserve someone that gives even the slightest shit about you, even if it’s just for a hook-up.
Ditch The Flake
If someone is continually cancelling on you, or seemingly avoiding meeting up despite saying they’re keen (“No, really, I do wanna hang out, you’re nice, let’s do it in March!”), it’s not going to happen. And if, by some miracle it does, it will be a result of your heavy lifting and cunning mechanics. It will be such a letdown compared to the amount of effort raised.
It has to be the best goddamn date ever, or some out-of-this-world sex, to be worth the strife. Some people might just enjoy the chase without the finish. Other people just have issues of their own that have nothing to do with you; some people are just dicks. Put your time somewhere better.
All Of The Political References
Look you can argue we all lean in one way or another, but just be on-guard. I feel most people tend to stay pretty political-party-reference-free on dating apps (thank goodness), but there are a handful who have their preferences tattooed on their foreheads. It’s not always a bad thing, but often a good sign that someone with surprisingly decent chat, may not always have similar social views as you.
They Hate Selfies, ‘Duckface’ And/Or The Kardashians (Stay With Me)
I’m no super-fan of Kim K, but the loathing beamed toward her and her famous family is wildly inordinate. People hate the Kardashians or common social trends/people like they are convicted criminals. It’s an easy argument to unpack, you can even ask them to explain – if you can be at all bothered – why they hate these things. It becomes clear (pretty quickly) that what one person thinks of as the hopeful capturing of a moment or a certain twist of the mouth, another person considers a hell-spun beacon of the narcissistic end of the world. Sad.
Although I’ve been rather gender-neutral in this piece, my experience on dating apps has been almost entirely with men, and you need to keep an eye out for those fateful Men’s Rights Activist or pickup artist tropes. Things like negging or pushy behaviour is an easy giveaway if you know to look for them; a sociopathic lummox might try to suck you into their lair (a genuine PUA term, worryingly) with false confidence and charm, or even outright aggressive machismo – don’t fall for it.
You’ll just end up having to hear about their drama with the Family Court, or how all their exes are so crazy, or actually did you know feminism was created by the Russians to sterilise American men or whatever?
Image source: Apatow Productions and Bright/ Kauffman/ Crane Productions