Things Your Bartender Never Wants To Hear

After six years of professional booze slinging, at everywhere from steak houses to cocktail bars, I learned something about a night out. No matter where you are, you are completely at the whim of the staff that serve you. They control the warmth of your reception, the quality of your drinks, and the money shaped hole in your wallet when it’s all over.

Not to mention, they are right in security’s ear at all times. (Literally, many are wearing radios).  So apart from the general good human quality of not being a tosser, we teamed up with BENCHMARQUE to bring you some phrases to never utter to your bartender (to make sure you stay on their good side).

“Do you do free birthday drinks?”

Of course we do birthday drinks. You haven’t seen a birthday drink until you’ve seen one of our birthday drinks. When I come back, I will be holding a carved-out pineapple that it literally on fire and the paper umbrella will remain mysteriously un-singed. Unfortunately, the price of the audacity to ask for a free drink is $22.

“Can you send a drink to that girl over there and tell her it’s from me?”

Before you request this, I suggest taking a good, long, hard look at your watch, and asking yourself what year it is.

“I’m so drunk.”

I was just beginning to like you. Please don’t jeopardise my integrity like this.

“Can I check my phone that you put on charge? Can I check it again? What’s my percentage? Can you tell it I miss him?”

Once you surrender your phone for charging, take a deep breath and dive into your temporary disconnect experience. It’s going to be okay.

“Are these the only beers you have on tap?”

Actually, there is a secret beer tap that we hide behind the wall just for shrewd, inquisitive patrons such as yourself. Turn away for just a moment while I move this strategically placed book to uncover that Hahn super Dry you were looking for.

“What is your cheapest drink?”


[pro_ad_display_adzone id=”16138″]


“So is this your real job?”

No, this is my imaginary job. I would just do this but it’s hard to sustain a decent lifestyle with monopoly money.

“Can I please split the bill ten ways?

You seem like a lovely, fair, diplomatic person. But if not one of your friends is willing to pay for your soda water, it’s time for some reflection.

“Are you guys closed?”

What gave us away? The fact that the lights were turned off, or that you climbed a fence to get in?

“What’s your favourite drink?”

Well, mine is a bottle of dark rum and maybe an ice cube, but we’re not here to talk about me, I’m here for you.

Are you a bartender who can relate? Maybe you’ve used pretty much all one of these lines before? Well either way, if you’re looking to earn some extra cash on the side this summer, or maybe even try this whole career thing you’ve heard so much about, the lovely folks at BENCHMARQUE are here to help ‘ya out. Simply fill out the form below or click here to start getting all of the job opps. Less spending ca$h, more making money.

[xyz-ihs snippet=”Benchmarque-Sign-Up”]

Image source: Touchstone Pictures 

A Christmas Gift Guide For The Ethically Conscious

18 Eye-Roll Worthy Dad Jokes You’ll Get In A Christmas Cracker These Holidays