No one loves working in retail. Straight up. If anyone says they do, they’re lying to impress their boss. Or they’re lying to themselves to make it easier when a mid-40s mum yells at them because one of the items on the sale rack doesn’t have a price tag on it. What everyone does love though, is gossip.
The one good thing about having a steady flow of customers that pretend you aren’t an actual person, is that they’ll gossip right in front of you. For how could I listen in when I don’t even exist, right? And you bet I eavesdrop the hell out of Karen and her babes, because that’s my fave part of my job. So, without further ado, here are the spiciest bits of gossip I’ve overheard while working in retail.
The Restaurant Vixen
We often get stylists coming into the store, to buy some clothes for people in commercials. A lady and her friend were returning a shit-tonne of items, and while I stood there scanning item after item for a good 15 minutes, I had the joy of listening to them gossip. It went something along the lines of:
A: Oh my god, he actually asked you out?
B: Oh yeah, he’s been eyeing me for ages.
A: Is he even allowed to do that? Like, don’t you guys work together?
B: I mean, it’s not like we’re going to tell everyone. Anyway, I need to pick somewhere for dinner. Where should we go?
A: What about [insert name of restaurant that I can’t remember]?
B: Oh no, I can’t go there! *laugh* I fucked the waiter there last week. He was so cute, he was flirting with me all night and I got him when he clocked off his shift.
A: OMG, literally are there any places where you haven’t hooked up with the waiter??
B: I know right, that’s why I’m finding it so hard to find a spot!
Oh yeah, this one’s a double whammy. First this chick is going out with someone who I *think* may have been her boss, and then she gets exposed for having a waiter fetish. I mean, men in servitude are sexy I guess?
Karen Really Hates Kids
I work in a place that has many rich mums visit the store, and they’re typically in some kind of boujee activewear and pushing a $6000 pram. These mums are the best source of gossip in town, and they sometimes say some wacky shit.
One of the more, um, colourful ones was a woman, who we shall call Karen. Karen really fucking hates other people’s kids, and actively bitches about them. Like, she’s talking mad shit about literal 4 year olds like they’ve actually got the capacity to be evil and ruining her life. I don’t even have a quote – it’s just incredible that she could hold this much venom for someones babies. It’d be funny if I wasn’t worried she might actually murder them.
Someone’s kid is called Oxygen. Like, for real. What are the odds they have a sister called Carbon Dioxide?
OMG Please Tell Me What Susan Said
I once had a pair of gym mums with expensive prams totally bitching about Susan on their way out of the store. I think Susan was a friend of theirs, but like not really. Their convo was literally like:
A: Oh my god, I can’t believe Susan said that! She’s unbelievable. No wonder everyone’s leaving her.
B: I know! She’s honestly shocking. I really can’t believe her.
A: And can you believe all that stuff about her and Mark?!
Girl, tell me what Susan said! I want to know! And who’s Mark? Did she hook up with him? Is he someone else’s husband? Tell me!
This one is probs the one that scandalised me the most. One of my customers was literally bragging about running away with her best friend’s man. Like she had some beef with her bestie, and got revenge by sleeping with her boyfriend. And then she convinced him to leave the bestie and date her instead, and now they’re engaged. And she laughed and was like “OMG should we invite her to the wedding?” Girl, what are you doing? Imagine literally marrying someone out of pettiness.
Honestly, I could go on. And maybe I will. It would take so many articles to cover all the cooked stories I’ve heard from customers. Anyone else got really spicy customer stories?
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