The homewares mecca is an exhilarating store to enter, from the moment you set foot a roller coaster of emotions. First, elation, excitement even giddiness as you peruse with wide eyed endearment for the textures and shapes. You think about moving in, moving out, moving on up or stripping your place of all it’s furniture and starting fresh; Swedish style. By the time you’re halfway through it’s exhaustion, fatigue and disinterest at the arrows leading you around in circles. The waft of Swedish meatballs the only thing that helps you push through to the end and then new found confusion awaits downstairs at the warehouse. It’s a right of passage for anyone who plans on sleeping, eating or living really, so just embrace the menagerie and go along for the ride. Just now you’re not alone.
“I’ll be in and out in 30 mins, I only need a desk chair.”
Lies all lies. Optimistic fibs perhaps, but you will soon exit with a full trolley no questions asked.
“I could move in here honestly.”
Except for the lack of electricity, running water or hundreds of people buzzing by – yeah of course.
“All you have to do is follow the arrows and you’ll be fine. In and out. You can do this.”
Ah yes, the pep talk to spur you along in your journey. Throw that game plan out the window and just let the current of furniture obsessed foot traffic carry you along.
“This place is a maze.”
Yes and just like the most terrifying of mazes (see Harry Potter or The Maze Runner anyone?) it feels like your path is ever changing.
“I’m just here for the meatballs really.”
Sure you are. The fresh smell of pine wood and steamed linen means nothing to you I’m sure.
“What’s the difference between the Brimnes and the Brusali?”
No one knows and if you were to ask anyone you’d have to say it out loud. Embarrassing pronunciation all but guaranteed.
“The children to parent ratio here is out of control.”
It is not a playground yet there are food smeared monkeys everywhere, surely DOCS should be notified.
“Slow walkers should be outlawed in this place.”
Confiscate their tiny pencils and kick the perusers out of the arrow striped fast lane.
“These shortcuts are not effective.”
Ah no they are not, but the side door does make you feel savvier than the other maze following shoppers does it not?
“That layout is superb, I shall buy it all. Oh no, not at that price.”
Adds to wish list in my dream home.
“Why wasn’t my childhood bedroom this well kitted out?”
Oh the parental resentment is real.
“I can’t decide between Lote and Lack, fuck I’ll never make it out of here.”
So many great men before you too have fallen at this hurdle, take them both and scurry out alive while you still can.
“I forgot the bed support beam, looks like I’m sleeping on the floor.”
Surely it should be illegal to sell this separately. Oh well another IKEA trip it is then.
“I might as well buy it now so I don’t have to come back.”
Pfft, you’ll always be back.
“I wonder if Sweden is this well decorated.”
Gosh I hope so. A minimalist dream.
“If I had a dollar for every IKEA item I wanted to purchase, I still wouldn’t be able to afford it.”
Budgetary concerns can often dampen the grandest of interior plans, and no you do not need a new coffee table.
“Has anyone ever made it out of this place with a single item?”
It has been confirmed that no, not a single individual has escaped the multi purchase curse.
“I can’t pass up a bargain like this.”
Nor should you, treat yo’self.
“Ooh candles and tea lights, essentials really. Except for the fire hazard, I’ll just put them back here.”
Such a whimsical idea in practice, such a fire hazard in reality.
“Can I re-enact that scene from 500 Days of Summer without being thrown out?”
Surely you don’t think you’re the first ones to try this? Fun and romantic for you, mind numbing for the IKEA employees who have to escort you out of the store.
“How on earth am I go to fit this in the car?”
You’re not, just call Dad and be done with it.
“I barely survived the first floor now I have to endure the warehouse floor too?”
Oh yes, the quest for wood ware and plastic doovalakys is never-ending. On to the next.
“Now all I have to do is put it together. Fuck.”
Alan keys at the ready, it’s time to twist it.
Image source: New York Post.